THE DR. PHIL CHRONICLES: Episode 2 - Who Is An Even Bigger Douchebag Than Dr. Phil?
Posted December 26th, 2007 in All, Celebrities, Dr. Phil Chronicles, Entertainment, TV Moment of the Weak and Weekend FluffTHE DR. PHIL CHRONICLES: Episode 2
Who Is An Even Bigger Douchebag Than Dr. Phil?
This Guy!
I believe I once promised to explain why I occasionally watch Dr. Phil. There are two reasons really. First, I believe it is wise to study the ways of one’s enemy. Dr. Phil is a shining example of most of the things that scare me about towing the party line. It is difficult to put all of the reasons I dislike Dr. Phil into one coherent thought. He is a subtly (but breathtakingly) misogynistic, sanctimonious, self-promoting, intellectually slothful, greed-driven megalomaniac who believes that the ends justify the means and doesn’t know the meaning of the word hypocricy.
That’s the first reason. The second reason is that there are a few people out there who deserve to spend a day with him, and when one ends up on the show it’s like Christmas in Never-Neverland afar as I’m concerned. Dr. Phil’s true calling in life is to seek out guys who are even bigger douchebags than he is and drown them in a pool of their own medicine for a while. He is the Captain Kirk of daytime talk, out-smugging the leaders of tiny one-house dictatorships around the country. Except Dr. Phil is far too lazy to go exploring. They have to come to him for the pleasure of taking a newspaper whack to the nose on national television. Who doesn’t love to watch a good smugdown on a rainy Wednesday afternoon?
Today’s show The Nanny Affair (Part 1!) is a perfect example. “Brandon” is married to the woman in the photo above. Yeah, she’s a little loopy but in a someone-you-might-actually-know kind of way. Brandon, on the other hand, is a soulless bag of rancid filth. (In fairness I feel the need to add that he’s also a fireman, so potentially he confines his outrageous douchebaggery to his home life. Although somehow I doubt it.) There’s no point in mincing words about what got Brandon on the show. Brandon rapes his babysitters. He feeds them drugs to make them vulnerable and everything. There seems to have been a string of four or five of them. Although Brandon would apparently like to drive home the point that “they were very pretty.” But here’s the good news: Brandon is over it now. Brandon went to therapy like a few months ago, with two different therapists, for a while. So he’s all good. He’d like to move back in with his wife and babies, please. If you think that might be an issue, well Brandon just doesn’t care what you think. Brandon wants to move back home from his dad’s barn. I guess he’s tired of choosing between cows. He took those nannies, uh, I mean his wife, for granted, and he’s a changed man. Oh, and also, if she doesn’t let him back he’s going to bury her in concrete. Ha ha! He’s just kidding!
And this is how great Dr. Phil is. Dr. Phil recognizes that this is a larger issue, that people’s wellbeing if not lives are truly at stake, so this is what he says:
…this is not about television, it’s about you, your family, your marriage, your life. And so I don’t like to hurry things. I have a lot to say to both of you about what I think you should or shouldn’t do about this.
As if we had any doubt!
I don’t expect you to substitute my judgment for your own.
That’s therapist code for “You should absolutely substitute my judgment for your own.”
But I am going to tell you shtraight up what I think and I’m gonna’ tell you wha. And we are just absolutely out of time. We can’t do that. So we’re gonna’ talk about this some more…Tomorrow!
That’s right! You’ve earned the prize! You get to come back for ANOTHER smugdown with the almighty smugmaster Dr. Phil! One hour just wasn’t enough time to expose the extent of your douchebaggery!
Normally I leave 42 minutes with Dr. Phil feeling vaguely depressed and full of smouldering rage, but these episodes remind me that there is a place for ALL of God’s Creatures in this world.
