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Nothing says NEW ORLEANS like the crossroads of adversity and humor;

A house in the Uptown District of New Orleans posts a “No Wake” sign on the second story to prepare for hurricane flooding.

Every cataclysmic event adds new terminology to the common lexicon. For the 2000 presidential election, it was chad. For 9/11, it was box cutter, burka and ground zero. For Katrina, it was contraflow.

For Gustav, we have The Cone. The 5-day cone, the 3-day cone, the cone of anxiety!

In his recently blogged essay “The Cone of Insanity,” my friend Mike Gio tackles this vocabularic phenomenon:

“The National Hurricane Center calls it the Forecast Cone, that unsettlingly familiar graphic depiction of the projected path of a storm and the surrounding area representing the margin for error,” Gio writes.

“Meteorologist Carl Arredondo referred to the Forecast Cone as the Cone of Error, stressing the variations and inaccuracies that are possible. His colleague, Jonathan Myers, went a step further and called it the Cone of Uncertainty, which certainly isn’t helpful. The Palm Beach Post puts an ominous spin on things by calling it the Cone of Probability, as in: ‘It’s anybody’s guess right now, but hey, it’ll probably hit somewhere inside that Cone!’

“OK, most of us don’t have degrees in meteorology and certificates in storm prognostication, but you don’t have to be Nash Roberts to know that when something is simultaneously referred to as the Cone of Uncertainty and the Cone of Probability, something ain’t quite right. What’s next? The Cone of Confusion? The Cone of Contradiction? The Cone of Complete Cluelessness?”

I know the storm is imminent when the house up the street posts the sign. So here we go.

I’d say here we go again, but I wasn’t actually around for Hurricane Katrina. We moved to New Orleans almost exactly a year after that fateful storm passed through. A lot of people asked us: “Why would you want to go there?” It is a reasonable question. After all, the entire country watched as this city struggled and drowned. As the government later opined, “mistakes were made.” But New Orleans is in our family’s history, which means it is also in our blood. We wanted to come here for the simple reason of solidarity; we couldn’t bear to watch from afar, we had to come back. You see, the national news covered the storm, and it covered the devastation that followed. What it didn’t cover was the Rebirth. Unless you’re a New Orleanian or a serious Saints fan, you probably weren’t a part of the overwhelming spirit of a community that simply could not call any place else “home.”

We flatter ourselves that we have been a part of the Rebirth efforts here, which is what makes this new storm Gustav sting so badly. We want to stay. If you’ve never seen an entire city in the throws of post-traumatic stress disorder, maybe you don’t understand. Maybe all you see is an industrial center or a port. Maybe all you see is a city which has one of the highest poverty rates in the nation. Maybe all you see is boarded up windows and low-lying streets, just waiting to be flooded. But if so, New Orleans is more than what you see. Today I saw families boarding up windows. Today I saw people buying canned fish and batteries. But today, I also saw a young man pasting the only bumper sticker on his new car - a sticker that simply said “New Orleans.”

More than any place I have ever experienced, New Orleans is a community. It is a city where the words “friend” and “neighbor” mean something more than their dictionary definitions. It is a city where the word “porch” is a verb. It is the kind of city that could birth an entire musical genre (we’re talkin’ ’bout Jazz) out of sheer tenacity and strength of spirit, and probably no small amount of red wine. It is a city that gets into your soul, makes a nest, and settles down for the long haul. To us, it is home in every sense of the word.

Tomorrow, I will have to leave my home (Chris Rose leaves when Nash leaves*, I leave when the Saints leave). I will pack my family and my pets in a car, and drive to Kentucky where our nearest family members wait to literally shelter us from the storm (the nearest vacant hotels are in northern Arkansas anyway). We will drive all night, and we will arrive alive and safe. We will leave our home behind, and if Gustav does its worst, our home will flood, and struggle, and maybe drown once again. But there will be no dead in our attic, no need for the National Guard to paint an ugly number on our wall. We’ll head out, so that we can come back all the sooner.

Being a New Orleanian is kind of like being a pet person - either you get it or you don’t. If you do, I - we - want to say “Thank You.” Thank you to all the people in all the states who are preparing to help out our worst case scenario. Thank you to everyone who isn’t leaving it up to President Bush or FEMA to pull us through. Thank you for your care, your consideration, your generosity, and your help. But most of all, Thank You for understanding. We love our home, and no matter what Gustav or any other storm brings, we’re prepared to return. So tonight, as we’re clearing out our freezers and filling up our gas tank, we will eat our perishable foods, and we will drink our non-perishable wines, because this is New Orleans. We live it. We love it. And no matter what happens, we can’t wait to come home.

*Chris Rose never leaves.

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INTEGRITY:

I broke down and watched Dr. Phil today, because it has been that kind of week. (I admit it. I’m a smugaholic. I’m not proud.) Whenever I tune in to the king of smug I’m always afraid I might hit on one of those smarmy “giveaway” episodes Oprah made so popular, but lady fortune must have taken pity on me. Today was the second episode of a Special Two Part Series, and everyone knows that when Dr. Phil can’t fit all of his copious amounts of smug into one episode, someone’s goin’ down. Booyah.

I was not disappointed. The good doctor decided to get in between a former high school student who accuses his teacher of molesting him, and the teacher who denies everything, because why not drag this situation out into the spotlight for everyone to share? It becomes clear pretty quickly that whatever happened wasn’t good, but it wasn’t necessarily what the student said had happened, which brought to mind my favorite playwright, Mr. David Mamet. Mamet once wrote a play called Oleanna, a scathingly honest look at the role sexual politics plays in generating conflict which tends to get out of hand. The play itself was written in response to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill scandal, and the film version, being directed by Mamet, manages to capture the play’s tension on a movie set fairly well. Both versions provide a damning illustration of the way minor, but vital, political differences in communication between the sexes can bring a manageable situation to spiral entirely beyond everyone’s control.

On the other hand, who needs scathing honesty when we have Dr. Phil to sort out it all out for us? (Even if he does need two episodes to do it.) Dr. Phil decided to handle this complicated and emotionally-charged situation by sicking his pet FBI agent (you remember) on the student and raking him across a lie detector test, which indicated deception. Since lie detectors have NEVER let Dr. Phil down, he basically tossed the results into a cage match between the two “guests,” and then spent four whole minutes finishing the show by talking about how much the Dr. Phil show loves teachers and respects teachers and thinks that teachers don’t make enough money (totally relevant) and did I mention how teachers are the greatest thing since god created smug? So clearly, that fixes everything. Now we can all go on about our little smug-free lives. I think I speak for everyone on the show when I say nicely handled, doc. No wonder Oprah keeps you around.

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If you’re looking for this summer’s hottest legal thriller, you’ve come to the right place. Fiction is fine for some, but here at the Basement we find plenty of entertainment at our local house of justice. No one but no one does scandal and corruption like the power hungry politicos of New Orleans. Just ask our local attorneys.

On the afternoon of Wednesday May 27, 2008 one mister James G. Perdigao filed civil action number 08-3570 with Eastern Louisiana U.S. District Court. Civil actions (that’s legal jargon for lawsuits to you and me) get filed every day, but all civil actions are far from equal…and this one is a whopper. Money, politics, more money, corruption, lots of money, cover ups, really really gigantic wads of cash, extortion, a staggering amount of dinero, attempted murder, and a just downright unbelievable amount of moolah, this case has more than enough to fill the pages of John Grisham’s next three novels.

I have in my hot little hands a copy of the very 73 page “brief” which outlines (with great aplomb) the various and sundry reasons why Mr. Perdigao feels that the law firm of Adams and Reese, L.L.P. owes him some of that prodigious amount of cash. According to the suit, Mr. Perdigao (who was a partner with the firm from 1993 until 2004) was privy to the inner workings of the firm’s many business ventures, both legal and not-so-much. His side of the short story goes something like this: Firm engages in copious illegal activities including bribery and extortion, Perdigao resists firm’s strong-arm tactics to involve him in various cover ups, firm engages in character assassination, Perdigao becomes official scapegoat, FBI gets involved, house of cards tumbles faster than a cheetah on speed, Perdigao files suit and names names. Big names. Names like Congressman Jefferson (you remember him from the recent frozen money scandal), former District Attorney Eddie Jordan (a cocksucker of the highest order) and former Mayor Marc Morial (of the infamous Johnson Controls scandal), as well as high-ranking businessmen like Robert J. Guidry (part owner of the Treasure Chest Casino).

The long story is, as ever, more complicated if no less Hollywoodesque. The file reads eerily like the script of a summer blockbuster, ironic in that the Louisiana Motion Picture Incentive Act is at the core of much of the debatably legal income garnered by named defendant Robert Vosbein. He and all of his partners (Charles P. Adams, B. Jeffrey Brooks, Edwin C. Laizer, Paul J. Lassalle, Thomas G. O’Brien, Mark J. Spansel, and Martin A. Stern) will have to answer charges ranging from racketeering and bribery to obstruction of justice and retaliation against a government witness in response to Perdigao’s allegations, the most notable of which include a trail of bribery leading directly from Guidry, through Congressman Jefferson to D.A. Jordan.

Following a series of hearings in July-September, 1997 in Baton Rouge dealing with [former Governor Edwin Edwards, who was sentenced to 10 years in prison on racketeering charges – what a coincidence!]…seized cash, Guidry noted to Vosbein, Wilson, and plaintiff that Ewin would not do well in Baton Rouge and that Andrew [Martin] intended to ride Edwin’s coattails because Andrew was broke. Guidry related that he could outspend all of those M*****F*****’s and that he was getting his own insurance, referring to his plan to bribe U.S. Attorney Eddie Jordan through the efforts of U.S. Rep. Bill Jefferson…. Guidry informed Vosbein, Wilson, and plaintiff that he was confident that he would be able to keep his money. Guidry proclaimed that he had an ace in the hole, and that his ace was an ace of spades, referring to his African-American co-conspirator.

Good stuff, right? For those of you following along at home, that’s on page 7. The brief goes on to describe one such bribery encounter being carried out:

In the spring of 1998, plaintiff had a meeting with Guidry at Guidry’s penthouse apartment above his offices in Harvey, Louisiana. At this meeting, as they were discussing recent events regarding the Edwards grand jury in Baton Rouge, Guidry proceeded to tell plaintiff how he was bribing U.S. Attorney Eddie Jordan through U.S. Rep. Bill Jefferson. Guidry noted that he never placed the money directly in Jefferson’s hands, but rather under the back steps while Jefferson watched inside through the window. Guidry then recounted the story of his first “drop” under the back steps of Jefferson’s house in New Orleans. When Guidry entered the backyard, he found two sets of steps. With a puzzled look, he glanced through the window for directions from Jefferson. Guidry related that both he and Jefferson “cracked up laughing” as Jefferson pointed him to behind a planter by the correct stairs.

Page 9. Hard to believe, isn’t it? But in this mass of greed and obfuscation so tremendous that it does almost seem like a joke, there are victims to consider, and I’m not talking about poor deposed lawyer Perdigao. Central to much of the financial scandal is the insurance industry, which has more than a small effect on this hurricane-ravaged region. The brief goes on to detail numerous incidents which served to defraud both the firm’s clients and – most importantly to my delicate sensibilities – thousands upon thousands of Louisiana insurance holders who will ultimately continue to pay the price for the firm’s alleged misdeeds in the form of outrageous premiums, extra fees, and/or being dropped altogether from their policies. The brief explains how the firm made a repetitive practice of recruiting former city and state government officials with the express intention of placing them on projects which they are by law barred from addressing within two years upon leaving elected or appointed office. Of particular note is the description of the firm’s employment of former Louisiana Insurance Commissioner Robert Wooley (who replaced Commissioner Jim Brown after he was convicted of lying to an FBI agent – is anyone else starting to see a pattern emerge here?)

With similar ethical constraints as [former Mayor] Morial, Teamer, and Coulon, Wooley would be prohibited from representing insurance companies before the Louisiana Department of Insurance for a period of two years after he left office. But the firm proposed to put forward a “low-key grinder” to front the insurance regulatory work for Wooley during his two-year probation. In addition, the firm proposed to use Wooley as a state legislative lobbyist for his insurance company clients. Plaintiff recommend…to obtain an ethics opinion from the Louisiana Board of Ethics on the legality of a former Insurance Commissioner engaging in legislative lobbying on behalf of insurance company clients during his two-year probation. They decided that they did not want to risk an adverse opinion and instead would try to have Wooley “fly below the radar.” They advised plaintiff that his advice was no longer needed.

It gets better. Wooley followed the firm’s advice while he was in office, which essentially suggests that he tied his financial and therefore political future in with the firm while he was supposed to be protecting Louisiana consumers from things like insurance fraud as the state’s Insurance Commissioner. Perdigao’s suit states that Commissioner Wooley “helped push through a measure that allowed insurance companies to raise rates by up to 10% without the approval of the Louisiana Insurance Rating Commission. This so-called ‘flex-band’ initiative promoted by Commissioner Wooley was a gift to insurers at the expense of Louisiana consumers.” The suit goes on to describe how Wooley’s pet project, the creation of Louisiana Citizens Property Insurance Corporation, served to allow insurance companies to pass their losses on to policyholders rather than pay to insure their own losses. Insurance Companies previously made money by distributing their risk around to a much larger area and re-insuring against their own losses; they could afford to insure New Orleans area houses because they also insured inland areas at a much lower rate. Any losses they suffered were offset by the lower risk areas. The suit states “After Louisiana Citizens was created, all losses were directly passed on to policyholders as surcharges, effectively taking insurance companies off the hook.”

Of course, that only matters if you can actually get insurance in the first place. Perdigao’s suit accuses the firm of creating and profiting from a situation which allowed insurers (specifically Allstate) to unilaterally drop coverage to nearly 30,000 policyholders in 18 coastal parishes. When the Louisiana Department of Insurance threatened to sue, guess who represented Allstate.

Allstate performed drive-by inspections of roughly 40,000 homes in the New Orleans area in an inspection process that took less than one minute per home. However, many customers who received cancellations letters complained to the Louisiana Department of Insurance that their homes had already been or were in the process of being repaired and that their coverage should not have been terminated. In the Spring of 2007, the Louisiana Department of Insurance forced Allstate to scrap this drive by inspection process that resulted in several thousand homeowners getting their policies canceled. Meanwhile, Allstate reported a record of $5 billion profit for 2006…. During his two-year prohibition [against handling any insurance business involving the state after his term as Insurance Commissioner], Wooley directed an army of lawyers at the firm looking for technicalities to allow Allstate to drop long-standing customers in storm-prone areas of the state, violating both the letter and the spirit of Louisiana’s consumer protection laws.

Perdigao’s suit goes on to cite further illegalities involving other large insurers as well as the state Medicaid system (because why stop at just taking your house, when they can ruin health insurance too) before moving on to accuse the firm of obstructing justice on several occasions and then trying to have him murdered. According to the suit, Perdigao was attacked by gunfire two days after firm partner Vosbein threatened him, saying “the snitch usually ends up in the ditch.” Apparently the firm’s $16,000 per hour rates financed an education in bumper sticker mentality.

So that’s the bad news. The good news? Adams and Reese, L.L.P, has no intention of going down without a fight. With any luck we’ll all get a front row seat as these titan douchebags undertake to prove once and for all who is the douchiest douche among them (Perdigao is asking for a jury trial on all counts).

Hollywood ain’t got nothin’ on us, Louisiana.

Coming Up: Law firm Adams and Reese, L.L.P. responds to the suit.

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