LazlosBasement.com

Media hound and NFL referee Ed Hochuli poses for a local paper.

While we’re on the subject of football, let’s take a moment and bow our heads in remembrance of Ed Hochuli’s usual ball-busting bluster while he mutates into a whiny little figurehead demanding sympathy before our very eyes. Ed Hochuli, the man with guns of pure titanium who is constantly referred to - for reasons I’ll never understand - as the NFL’s best referee blew a gigantic and arguably game-deciding call during last weekend’s game between the San Diego Chargers and the Denver Broncos.

Now I’ve already gone on record as saying that no one needs a flashy referee, but let’s be honest. If any other ref had made the same mistake, would the entire NFL Referee Association have issued a press release about what a great guy he is? Why shouldn’t the NFL’s least deserving attention whore get a taste of his own whistle after such a colossal blunder? Ed will tell you why. Because what those refs do is hard. It’s really haaaard-duh! They have to take tests and everything! Ed even went on ESPN to bemoan the travails of having one’s performance taped and then reviewed by his boss, asking “how many” people are exposed to such scrutiny? Uh, that would be most of us Ed. But it shocks no one here at the Basement to hear that you think you’re the only guy in the world who has accountability on the job. After all, what are those massive arm muscles for, if not to hold the whole world on your own shoulders?

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Olympic gymnasts Alicia Sacramone of the U.S. and Cheng Fei of China battled it out on the vault.

Two Olympic athletes’ website profiles were far ahead of the rest of the pack in terms of internet hits today - Michael Phelps, with his record 8 gold medals; and Alicia Sacramone, the gymnast who fell twice in the team finals, earning much of the blame for the American team missing out on the gold. Because as much as Americans love a champion, we L.O.V.E. an underdog. So we were pulling for Alicia tonight in the women’s vault finals. Unfortunately for Alicia, Olympic bias reared its ugly head, leading us to wonder which is worse; losing to a fetus, or losing to a fetus who clearly landed out of bounds on her own vault? China’s Cheng Fei was awarded a 15.562, ousting Sacramone, after a vault landing which our TiVO swears was out of bounds…

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Today’s Dr. Phil episode (Heroin Addict Nanny or some such) is another rerun worth noting, if only to stress once again, a little louder this time, that our favorite smugmeister is in no way qualified to intervene in any of these people’s lives, this time because he is not a licensed drug and alcohol counselor. The state of California does have a special license for providing chemical dependence counseling. It is called a CADAC, short for Certified Alcohol and Drug Addiction Counselor, and Dr. Phil does not have one. This is in addition to the general license to practice psychiatry, which he also does not have.

What he does have is a smug attitude and a nationally syndicated show, so at the very least we can all flip on channel 3 and learn exactly what NOT to do, should anyone we love actually end up in a position desperate enough to seek help from Dr. Smug. I mean Phil.

Lessons From The Dr. Phil School Of Counseling*

Lesson # 1 - Fail utterly to provide compassion. Every problem in the world can be solved by a quick kick in the ass, so clearly anyone not as perfect as the good doctor is simply lazy. Save compassion for your failed efforts to hit on Jane Fanda (if you don’t get the reference, you need to watch more Kathy Griffin).

Lesson # 2 - Be as threatening as possible. Make several ultimatums in a row, pose questions without pausing to hear the answers, and indicate that you have eyes everywhere. This works particularly well with the paranoid schizophrenics.

Lesson # 3- Be uneducated about the issue except in the most general sense. If you have ever smoked a cigarette, then you are probably qualified to treat a long term heroin addict. Making it up as you go along based only on your personal impression of the greater world around you is the key to helping other people improve their own lives. The lazy sots.

Lesson # 4 - Indicate that you have no intention of believing anything your “guest” says before you have given her or him the chance to talk. This always ensures that people will provide thoughtful, honest answers to your questions.

Lesson # 5 - Make sure to keep the focus on yourself. If you shut your giant tripe filled gob for one moment, you run the risk that your “guest” might have an uninitiated moment of self-perception or greater awareness, and then you could lose control of the interview. Just keep referring to yourself, mention how great you are, and remind everyone that this is your moment in the sun. No one else in that room can thrive on other people’s tragedies like you can!

Let it never be said that Dr. Phil is not a master at something; we’ve already stipulated his prowess in the “smug” field. But only someone who has really, totally failed to dedicate the time and effort necessary to become a competent therapist could manage to illustrate all of these lessons during his first interaction with a new guest:

So, what have you done today? (Pause for dramatic effect.) Be very, very careful. I asked you a question, you better tell me the truth. You don’t know what I know. You. Don’t. Know. What. I. Know. Look, at some point, you’re just gonna have to understand that you’re just gonna’ have to be honest with me, cuz’ the way to tell when you’re lying is if your lips are moving, right? You’ll lie about anything anywhere. I mean that’s part of this addiction. This is a time - if you want a chance to try to live, try and get your life back, you need to tell the truth about everything I ask you. And believe me, I am a human lie detector, and you jack with me and you’ll be gone before you know it. I don’t put up with any of that bull- and you just need to know that from me right. Up. Front. Okay? So you need to think about that when I ask you the question, what have you done today?

Guest: Uh, I’m the camera man.

Splendid. Stupendous. The perfect illustration of how to ensure that someone leaves an hour with you feeling worse about themselves (and the world in general!) than they did before meeting you. The award for doing the absolute, literal least one could possibly do definitely goes to Dr. Phil.

*Candidates licensed to practice either (a) psychiatry or (b) what they preach, will not be accepted.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites