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We here at the Basement fully endorse BWE’s open letter to the American women’s gymnastics team. Sure, they’re no Michael Phelps - pulling gold medals out of thin air like some cruise ship magician (Hey, there’s one behind your ear!) - but the folks over at Best Week Ever can help anyone see the silver (ehm) lining:

Dear U.S. Olympic Women’s Gymnastics Team,

I am proud of you. You are a group of strong, intelligent, artistic women whose thighs could easily kill a man. So what if a group of 4-year-olds beat you? So what if some of you wobbled, stumbled, or fell? There’s a whole hell of a lot that you did and CAN do:

• You still have the ability to do flips in the air and land on a strip of wood that’s no wider than this box of chicken fries I’m eating right now.
• You can hurl your body into the air, do some crazy twists and turns, land on your BROKEN ankle, stick the landing, and still manage to smile like a champion.
• You can run across a giant mat that looks bouncy and fun but sounds (and feels) like it’s made of concrete when you land.
• You can rock a shiny leotard that looks like it was painted onto your body.
• You don’t need to wear a pound of glitter on your face to make yourself look like you’re an adult.

China only beat you by 2.375 points. Most of that gap was a result of China’s impeccable performance on the uneven bars, not because of Alicia Sacramone’s fall off the balance beam. In case you couldn’t hear the announcers, who reminded us of this fact 400 times throughout the event, the girls on the Chinese team were taken away from their parents when they were still toddlers. At least you’ve got family! And you’re hot!

Most of all, you’ve inspired millions. That includes me. Starting today: I am going to train to accomplish something I’ve never done before. I’m going to do a cartwheel. Growing up, I could never manage to do a cartwheel. I’d watch in sadness as my friends would easily flip their bodies around, their arms and legs like the spokes of a beautiful wheel. I’m done with watching from the sidelines. It’s going to be tough (I’m 5?-10? and my body is held together by a ramshackle system of bones, skin, and very very thin tendons) - but I’m ready for my body to take flight!

I’m dead serious. I will be chronicling my training and attempts on this blog. So thank you, ladies. You’ve given my life new purpose and something for which to strive.

Best of luck to you, Sara. We’ll be watching your progress from the sidelines with a bottle of rose and a liberal amount of toasting!

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Folks in New Orleans seem to be getting a little fed up with this whole crime thing, and probably not a moment too soon for local law-abiding residents (we do have a few). It’s no secret that the city’s crime rate increased sharply after Katrina; with over half the police force AWOL and gangs from the lower Ninth Ward moving to more fertile grounds, opportunity knocked loudly for anyone willing to break a few laws. As a result crime fighting has become something of a local obsession; crime cameras, once considered far too Orwellian for a city which thumbed its nose at trivialities such as opened-container and gambling laws, are now an accepted part of the city skyline.

But the real story is local ABC affiliate WGNO’s approach to crime-fighting…the Wheel Of Justice. Since the city sports far more criminals than cops, the station features some of the city’s most wanted on a large wheel, which local residents are invited to spin Wheel-of-Fortune-style. Once the wheel lands on a criminal, WGNO and other local media outlets slather the unfortunate do-badder’s face and profile all over the news, billboards, etc. until the offender is found and jailed. The gimmick has been so successful that criminals who find themselves targeted by the Wheel have begun to simply turn themselves in, rather than try to run from an entire city (or “buddies” hoping to cash in on a reward).

It’s just another example of the Big Easy’s outside-of-the-keg brand of problem solving, and a community’s dedication to rebirth after the worst natural disaster in U.S. history. We’re referring of course to Mayor Nagin’s re-election.

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INTEGRITY:

I broke down and watched Dr. Phil today, because it has been that kind of week. (I admit it. I’m a smugaholic. I’m not proud.) Whenever I tune in to the king of smug I’m always afraid I might hit on one of those smarmy “giveaway” episodes Oprah made so popular, but lady fortune must have taken pity on me. Today was the second episode of a Special Two Part Series, and everyone knows that when Dr. Phil can’t fit all of his copious amounts of smug into one episode, someone’s goin’ down. Booyah.

I was not disappointed. The good doctor decided to get in between a former high school student who accuses his teacher of molesting him, and the teacher who denies everything, because why not drag this situation out into the spotlight for everyone to share? It becomes clear pretty quickly that whatever happened wasn’t good, but it wasn’t necessarily what the student said had happened, which brought to mind my favorite playwright, Mr. David Mamet. Mamet once wrote a play called Oleanna, a scathingly honest look at the role sexual politics plays in generating conflict which tends to get out of hand. The play itself was written in response to the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill scandal, and the film version, being directed by Mamet, manages to capture the play’s tension on a movie set fairly well. Both versions provide a damning illustration of the way minor, but vital, political differences in communication between the sexes can bring a manageable situation to spiral entirely beyond everyone’s control.

On the other hand, who needs scathing honesty when we have Dr. Phil to sort out it all out for us? (Even if he does need two episodes to do it.) Dr. Phil decided to handle this complicated and emotionally-charged situation by sicking his pet FBI agent (you remember) on the student and raking him across a lie detector test, which indicated deception. Since lie detectors have NEVER let Dr. Phil down, he basically tossed the results into a cage match between the two “guests,” and then spent four whole minutes finishing the show by talking about how much the Dr. Phil show loves teachers and respects teachers and thinks that teachers don’t make enough money (totally relevant) and did I mention how teachers are the greatest thing since god created smug? So clearly, that fixes everything. Now we can all go on about our little smug-free lives. I think I speak for everyone on the show when I say nicely handled, doc. No wonder Oprah keeps you around.

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