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15 year old pop sensation Miley Cyrus, topless on the cover of Vanity Fair.

Miley Cyrus is having a rough week. The 15 year old actress/singer, best known for her lead role on the Disney series Hannah Montana, is the subject of the newest Hollywood scandal, a result of a series of sexually suggestive photographs which have hit the press in recent weeks. The first round of photos hit the internet in mid-April, and show the star posing suggestively on a couch, and pulling down her shirt to reveal sexy lingerie underneath. Cyrus refused to comment on the pictures, stopping just short of insisting that the photos actually show a look-alike impostor. However, she cannot deny the subsequent cover of Vanity Fair magazine, for which she posed with no top holding only a bed sheet to her chest (seen above). The sexuality of the photograph immediately came under fire, and Cyrus (who incidentally performed what many viewers considered to be an inappropriately sexually charged routine during last week’s episode of American Idol ) released a public statement that she is “embarrassed” by the cover. Celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz, who shot the cover, and Cyrus’ father, country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, have both taken a public relations beating over the photos.

But if Billy Ray’s Achy Breaky Heart is broken, he can’t blame it all on Vanity Fair. Miley Cyrus is merely the newest pop starlett to follow the fame treasure map, where X marks over-celebrified success (just ask Britney). The map’s route to fame and fortune is clear; find a pretty pre-teen, sex her up to the max, insist that she is nevertheless as pure as driven snow, put a microphone in her hand, and shove her in front of the camera. Presto - instant famehoor. Never has our society’s love for the hooker with a heart of gold been more obvious, more revered, or indeed more media supported. But what fun would it be to let the story end there? No, now that we’ve set her up for success, it’s time to knock the girl down (just ask Britney again).

If Cyrus can take comfort in one thing (other than her multiplying bank account) it is the fact that pre-teen popettes aren’t alone in the feeding frenzy for celebrity scandal. Instant fame comes in many forms, and all of them are subject to the whims of a country which is starving for distraction from the harsh reality of a halting economy. Even the kings of the celebrity world - the athletes - are lined up for summary judgment.

Take for example the New York Daily News‘ recent reported that major league pitcher Roger Clemens carried on a 10 year long sexual affair with Mindy McReady, a country singer who was 15 years old in 1990 when then 28 year old Clemens allegedly initiated the affair. Clemens, who is married with four children, was also named in the 2007 Mitchell Report on illegal steroid use in professional baseball. The athlete responded to the report with a defamation of character lawsuit, which subsequently caused his family history to be investigated and unearthed evidence of the affair.

The question is, does this affair really come as a shock to a nation which glorifies both youth and fame? Do we not expect our pop heroes to pair up with the country’s sexified sweethearts? Think Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson/Carrie Underwood. And although Clemens has previously capitalized on a reputation as a morality-driven family man, he is hardly the first athlete to fall under the suspicious eye of the press. America is a country which routinely treats celebrities and professional athletes as demi-gods, allowing them to go above the law and outside the usual rules of polite society. At the same time, celebrities are ever trying to negotiate the fine line between popularity and over-exposure, which invariably leads to ridicule. The line between the two can shift with the click of a camera.

But why are we now so focused on the downside of fame, when we are the ones who paid for the tickets and magazines in the first place? Why are the paparazzi gaining both strength and numbers while nearly every other occupation is struggling just to stay above water? The answer is as simple as it is insidious. A nation immersed in a suffering economy, a never-ending war, and a failing mortgage industry is sick and tired of seeing people who don’t cure diseases or save babies from burning buildings claw their way to the top, and flaunt their means once they get there. While we struggle to pay off multiple levels of debt, we demand a sense of gratitude from those we perceive as exempt from the long hard fall, even though they are used to being treated like the second coming. Or perhaps because of it.

The unfortunate reality, however, is that no one whose life is rooted in our society is truly exempt… political powers possibly aside (after all, those who make the rules rarely fail to protect themselves when the proverbial shit hits the fan). Instead, celebrities who may or may not be prone to the same financial woes as the rest of us are stuck in a battle to maintain their privileged status, and for many of them it is a battle which must be fought sharply uphill. Patrick Ewing may have been more right than we imagined when he uttered the immortal words, “Sure, we make a lot of money, but we spend a lot of money.” The fact is that celebrity costs money, and even those who are used to the dollars coming easy are feeling the pinch. Easy come, but easier go…. And while the American public continues to struggle to put food on the table and gas in the tank, chances are good the celebrity world will continue to serve as the source of one of the few distractions we can still afford…the righteous, public downfall of those who have profited from our misguided national obsession with youth, beauty, fame, and fortune.

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Now how am I going to fit this foot in my mouth, too?

Ok, ok, maybe declaring Josiah Leming the winner of American Idol before the judges had even finished selecting contestants was a bit, what shall we call it, premature? Overly optimistic? Asinine? Ah yes, that’s the one.

In case you’re the one who didn’t watch last night’s final selections, uh, he got cut. So I’ll be eating these eggs on my face for a while. But I have faith (also known as the triumph of hope over experience). I saw magic. I don’t think I’m alone in that. So I’ll go ahead and find room for the heel, double or nothing style. Here we go…

Lazlo’s official prediction:

• Producer with Label X hears Leming on the show;

• Producer with Lable X recognizes that Leming doesn’t have the personality and/or maturity to spend the next two years touring with a gaggle of wannabe pop sensations anyway;
• Producer with Label X values serious talent (read $$$) over sanity;
• Producer with Label X assigns Leming a babysitter and signs the everlovin’ crap out of the kid;
• X releases album which has far greater artistic integrity than anything any other A.I. (spooky, in’t it?) contestant has released;
• Leming and Lazlo are redeemed!

(Fortunately for me, I have not a shred of credibility to lose. If you don’t either, perhaps we’ll meet again on Leming’s MySpace page or Zimbio.)

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