LazlosBasement.com

“A day without wine is like a day without sunshine.”

We’re officially calling shenanigans on those yahoos over at Forbes. The online magazine posted a list of America’s “hard-drinking cities” this week which somehow miraculously failed to name New Orleans. Their top city? Get this - Austin. That’s right, the one in Texas. Apparently that’s what happens what a bunch of rich white guys get together to publish a magazine. I’m convinced the conversation went something like this:

“Should we go to New Orleans?”

“New Orleans? Don’t they have Bla… uh, African-Americans, like, out on the streets and everything there?”

“Good point. Let’s stick to Texas.”

In our defense, Katrina scattered our alcoholics all over the nation, and not all of them have made it back. YET. You may have foiled us this time Austin, but come next February 24, we DEFY you to cram as many drunken revelers in one city block as we can fit into a drunk tank! That’s right! New Orleans forever! Wooohoooo! :chug:

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Bush and Kardashian headed toward altar;

Saints fans headed toward mass seppuku.

Dear Reggie,

Someone has to say it. This thing is getting out of control. We know, Reggie, we know. You’re young, you’re rich, you’re cut like a straightrazor, and this town thinks every little thing you do is magic. We get it. We’re Saints fans. We want to support you, even if you do hail from SC. What I’m trying to saying is, we’re willing to go all in. But listen to us just this once. Let us save you from yourself this one time, and we promise you will be thanking us every day of your long, fruitful, hall of famey NFL career. Just take this one piece of advice. Just hear us say this one thing. Dear Reggie, do not tie your life to Kim Kardashian until death and/or a gigantic wad of your hard earned cash do you part. Kim may look as juicy as overripe peach in August, but she is not The One.

Sincerely,

Saints Fans Everywhere

The Saints running back has reportedly been “dating” famewhore Kardashian since April of 2007, which incidentally is about as long as his over-hyped performance has been disappointing NFL fans across the league. True, the relationship between the two is far from the largest scandal in professional sports; they’re both adults, no one is beating anyone up, and as far as we know there are no needles involved. That doesn’t make it any easier for Saints fans to look on as Bush, whose full attention ought to be devoted to the likes of Sean Payton and Drew Brees, traipses across the country on the arm of the world’s biggest trollop. So here’s a list of the top ten things we hope Bush will take into account before he escorts Kardashian down the aisle in her (world’s most ironic) white wedding dress:

10 Signs That Kim Kardashian Is Not Marriage Material

1. She was introduced to you by Paris Hilton.

2. You rang in 2008 together…while she hosted the Tanqueray and Ciroc New Year’s party in South Beach.

3. She publicly stated that the “one thing” she did learn from 2007 was to keep her private life private.

3a) She only learned one thing in 2007.

3b) She apparently didn’t learn it until she was finished pimping her own sex tape.

3c) That guy in the tape isn’t you.

4. She followed up this lesson in privacy by pitching her new reality TV show.

5. Her dad’s claim to fame is defending O. J. Simpson during his criminal trial. In other words, O. J. is out there, playing golf and generally messing his kids’ lives up even further (If He Did It) because of her daddy. Can you say, “Daddy issues”?

6. Cut to stepdad Bruce Jenner. I’m just saying.

7. Kim likes to joke about trapping you into marriage by getting pregnant. Ha ha!

8. She’s making Ryan Seacrest even more money than he already has. Seacrest Productions produces her show.

9. Who ever called Kim cheap? A personal appearance from Kim’ll cost ya’ $25,000. Imagine what a whole marriage would cost.

10. Hurricane Kim is not exactly our disaster relief poster girl of choice. ‘Nuff said.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

In celebration of NFL draft day (and because we were bored), we held a little draft of our own. Since we don’t have millions of dollars to throw away on the next dog-fighting phenom, we had ourselves a movie draft with a twist. Here are the highlights:

Best Oscar Fashion Victim: Tie (ironically) - Bjork, Cher

Most Vicariously Embarrassing Moment In Oscar History:

Rob Lowe Serenades Snow White

Best Performance By A Male In Drag: Julie Andrews, Victor/Victoria

Runner Up: Jack Lemmon, Some Like It Hot. RIP Jackie.

Best Performance By A Non-Human: The Mustache, Tombstone

Runners Up: The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, Ghostbusters; Wilson The Volleyball, Castaway

Think you can do better? Visit our message board to be a part of the next draft.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites